Confused in a beautiful world.

I'm watching the green and gold birch leaves dance through my casement window and can't help but feel grateful for the cool Autumn breeze, for the beauty of our city, for the pumpkins I just yesterday placed on the porch and for the flowered fall wreath on our door. And it's quiet, should I mention that blessed little bit? Three kids at school and one pretending to nap in her crib makes it possible for me to not only see the dancing but hear it, the leaves and branches moving to the music mixed by Mother Nature. It all makes me so happy, brings me so much peace, calms my oft-troubled heart. Oh that my days were filled with more of these easy afternoon moments enjoyed from my blue velvet couch.

I'd much prefer carefree over confused, but that's been the biggest bother in my life recently. I'm just so darn confused about so many things. Confident and strong and self-assured for so long, I now look around at my world and it seems a little fuzzy. There are things I know with absolutely no doubt, but that list is so small in comparison to the things I don't know, the things I thought I knew, the things I may never know, and the sources I may or may not be able to trust (but frankly, how do you know?) Maybe it's the price I'm paying for years of boldness but why is it that the more I learn about life the less I seem to know? Why is it that everything is so nuanced and subjective and why are people so angry? Why do people lie? How does someone like me even know when they do? You know what makes me angry? Not recognizing the world around me. Being cynical about trusting anyone. Feeling so darn confused all the time. It makes me mad that I can't make sense of my opinions, my feelings, my life. Instead they sit on my shoulders, bounce around my brain and make me feel heavy. I'm suffocating in my own silence, but open my mouth and find no words. Because ever the answerer, now all I have is questions. And confusion.

But boy is there beauty outside my window on this September afternoon, more than I ever could have imagined was possible. I mean, you really should see those birch leaves flutter and if you haven't felt a Santa Monica breeze through your home you may be missing out. And yet somehow this magical world outside my casement window is the same disappointing one that endlessly confuses me. So that's what life is like lately over here. It's me, sitting on my blue couch, trying to make sense of my surroundings and doing my best to learn and choose and be the right.