Our Angel Nicqelle

One year ago today, the world was blessed with a true angel, Nicqelle Lily Astrid Johnstone Gustaffson. Oh, how I love that baby Nicqelle. I was immediately awed by her beauty and felt calmed by her peaceful nature. It was clear from Nicqelle's very first breath that my life would never be the same. In fact, I thought then what I know now: the world will never be the same again.

Nicqelle was born the same week I learned I was pregnant with our third child. As I rejoiced with Andre and Lotta about the safe arrival of their daughter, I secretly celebrated my own child, a son, I would later learn, that we wanted desperately and already loved. But that baby I was carrying would never enter my arms. He had the same heart defect as Nicqelle (a heart defect that affects 5 in every 1 million babies mind you). Then, in some act of fate I believe must have been heaven-sent, my pregnancy ended through miscarriage the same week that Nicqelle went back to heaven.

Most of those two months Lotta and I were swimming in an ocean of the unknown together. Those will remain some of the most intense months of my life and were filled with fear, faith and incredible friendship. When it was all over, I felt so deeply empty and couldn't believe I had lost both of these special heart babies in the same week. In many ways, I feel like that little Nicqelle is what I have to show for my pregnancy. Maybe I wasn't to have my own ectopia cordis miracle baby, but Lotta and Andre allowed me to share theirs, of which I will forever be grateful.

So it really is no surprise that Talmage and Everett were telling everyone from cabbies to homeless people to our dearest New York friends that "it's our baby Nicqelle's birthday today," for in a way she will always be a little bit ours (we sure love her like our own!) And it's also not a surprise that when I was trying to decide where in the city to release her birthday balloons to heaven (Central Park? Times Square? The Brooklyn Bridge?) I was filled with the warmest of promptings, "Release her balloons in front of the temple." So the boys and I went to Lincoln Center, and we talked about how families can be together forever. We talked about where we go when we leave this earth, and we talked about where Nicqelle is right now. And when we all felt good and ready, we let our balloons full of love float to our dear angel in heaven. Happy birthday baby girl, we love you so much!