Thursday, March 19, 2015

Life Lessons Learned at Naptime

It was just a month ago that I was bragging to Quinny's baby book that she was rocking the sleeping situation. Her night routine was set in gorgeous stone and consisted of going to bed with her brothers at 7 pm, a dream feed at 11 pm, and then sleeping until the 6 or even 7 o'clock hour. Yes, I know, I had it real, real good for at least three weeks. And then returned the midnight hours of wakefulness, the early, early mornings and the nonexistent nap time (like, 15 minutes all day long! Unacceptable Quinner, unacceptable!)

It all started when she wanted to play Houdini in her swaddle, pulling her hands out of the strait jacket and promptly punching herself in the face. Turns out Quinn is not one for bar fights and oh. the. tears. If it was just the sleep sack situation we could have conquered--James and I have waged a war with a Houdini named T before--but to add insult to injury Quinn is a mover and a shaker and finds her arms, legs and even her squishy cheeks wedged through the bars of her mini crib due to awkward bedtime gymnastics.  She may not be crawling yet, but she flips and turns and worms her way around until she's either gotten what she wants or she's stuck in a corner with her feet in the air--really happened. Crib mattress lowered immediately.

Yesterday Quinn was desperate for a mid-morning nap, but per normal she just couldn't fall asleep. Her tummy was full, the burps were out, she was swaddled and her lamby noise machine was singing the sounds of a peaceful waterfall in her ear--but all she did was cry, and scream, and punch herself in the face. A friend of mine told me that I needed to let her cry it out and she would eventually fall asleep, but I guess my friend has never met a match like my little miss because she screamed for longer than I want to admit. If I saw her arms or legs outside of the crib I would go in and help her, but otherwise I just waited, hoping that she would tire of the screaming and go to sleep. Go to sleep, baby! Go to sleep!

My mom's always said my girl is an overachiever, and she's proven it in the crying department. In fact, she cried herself straight to her next feeding time, and at that point both of us were in desperate tears. You know how people talk about how nice it is that babies sleep so much because you can get so much done? Well I've never experienced this and I need it. NEED! Gosh a little time to read my scriptures, start my March Madness bracket and write the words itching inside my heart would do me so, so good. Or I could take a nap myself, keepin' it real. Those are things that nap time usually offer people, but when there is no nap time... sigh.

Lately my soul has been yearning and yet ever so silent. The time has come to make another leap of faith (and possible leap of location) and yet the answers are not coming and the peace we seek in decision-making has not been found. Where are the answers? Where is the assurance? What do we want and what does He want and are we just not seeing something that is perfectly visible to someone else? {Because seriously, if you are reading this right now and you're seeing something that I'm not let me know. LET ME KNOW!} And then there's the whole thing about opportunities being dropped in your lap--does that mean that they're "meant to be"? Or does that just mean, well, I don't know--what does that mean exactly? And what if the meant-to-be option is not one you want? Or what if it is the one you want but the draw-backs outweigh the good? And what if the safe option is one you can't stand? And what if you talk about the next step so much that you worry you're wasting away the end of this heaven-sent step? And what if you're just so. darn. confused. Because that's me. My name is Heather, and turns out I'm still trying to figure out how to be a grown up.

So yesterday I went into Quinn's room mid scream-fest to remove both of her legs from between crib bars, talented gymnast that Quinner. I re-wrapped her, I wiped her tears, I put her binky in her mouth and I patted her tummy for just a second. I told her that I loved her so, so much and that she could do this! "You can do it Quinny! You've done it before my girl. You know how to sleep! Just remember sister, remember. You can learn how to sleep once more." And then I turned around and left my sniffling babe in the crib.

As the door closed my mind opened to the real possibility that I was that baby in a crib, struggling mightily and not finding relief. God could make everything right and easy with the snap of a finger--I really do believe He could in the same way that I believe I could have rocked Quinn to sleep and solved the problem of the moment. But maybe He's not doing that for the same reason that I'm not--because what about tomorrow's problem of the moment, and next week's dilemma. Can I rock my baby to sleep for the rest of her life, or even the rest of the month? And can He make all of my decisions for me forever? Maybe He knows that I'm getting bigger and I can choose without being coddled, because I've done it before. I know that He loves me, more than I can even comprehend. "You can do it Heather!" I can almost hear Him whispering. "You've done it before my girl. You know how to make decisions! Just remember sister, remember. You can learn to choose once more."

So here I am, left sniffling in my crib, but just as Quinny's Mommy is always close I know my Heavenly Father is as well and we'll all get through this victoriously. Of this I am sure. But, if Quinny's progress is a mirror of my own then success might not come quickly, it may be a little painful, it will be extremely exhausting and at times it might be a little awkward (like face down on your play mat in leprechaun tights kind of awkward!) But look at these pictures of sweet Quinn sleeping... She did it, and so will I.





2 comments:

  1. Beautifully written Heath! Love you!

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  2. Lovely. I'm sure the decision you make will be wonderful. Xoxo

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