T's Grand Entrance into Mortality

One year ago today Talmage was still swimming around in amniotic fluid, and my feet were swollen. Talmage's pool party would shortly be over (whether he liked it or not); I was claiming elephantitus a week later. Where's the justice?

Jim and I were excited, anxious and hopeful about the delivery. We had adequately prepared ourselves, and we felt confident with the decisions we had made. Little did we know what was in store for us.

I've had many friends ask about Talmage's delivery in the last year. Sometimes I share bits and pieces, sometimes I share loads, and sometimes (especially at the beginning) I didn't want to share anything. For that reason, I decided to recap our experience a year ago today...and subsequent days. Plus if I share this story today, we can just focus on his parties the next few days!

We got to the hospital at 5 and I labored through the night...all night! By 6:30 am I was fully dialated and by 7 I was pushing. I was SO excited and knew it was only seconds before I would meet my sweet little boy. Well the seconds turned into minutes, those minutes turned into hours. My heart rate was out of control so they hooked me up to oxygen. The baby wasn't coming. They cut me--all the way. Ouch. It didn't work. Now is where the awful part comes in (we didn't realize how awful it really was until later). They decided to use a vaccuum extractor on Talmage's head. Once. Failed. Twice. Failed. Three times. Failed. Each time the doctor would say, "He's coming. I see his head. One more push." My heart would race, and then sink. Although they are only allowed to use it three times, they opted to use it twice more. Failed. My heart rate was still crazy, and all of the sudden baby's heart was dropping. A hush fell over the room and before I knew it, and after 3 1/2 hours of pushing, I was being rushed for an Emergency C-Section.

At least Jim got to dress up for the occasion!

Unfortunately the nightmare was only beginning. Our poor little Talmage suffered major injuries from the vaccuum and attempted vaginal delivery. The doctors thought his head was coming when they used the vaccuum, but in fact they were pulling his skin away from his skull. He had a fractured skull. He had a subgaleal hematoma the size of a grapefruit. He had bleeding on the brain. He was rushed to the NICU and stopped breathing many times because of pain. The diagnosis was not good. Our doctor in the NICU told me later that he was sure that Talmage would not make it through his first night. He was on a ventilator. He was on morphine. He had a full blood transfusion. Six hours after his birth, I finally was wheeled up to the NICU to meet my baby for the first time. It was heart-breaking.

Those first few days I would sit by his bedside nonstop. Every time his heart machine would beep I would have a panic attack. The nurses and doctors at the NICU were so sweet and so patient with me, they are the best.

I couldn't hold Talmage, but I would let him wrap his little hand around my finger and I would sing him primary songs. He would calm down when he heard them, especially "I love to see the temple." It's still his favorite. I was able to connect with Talmage during that night in a very real way. Our bodies could not be close to one another, but our hearts sang loudly together.

Through this experience, I’ve learned to cherish the small things in life. I wept as I held four-day-old Talmage for the first time, truly grateful for the opportunity to still have a baby to hold. In the last year, I have found many more small things to cherish--like nursing, playing games, reading books, making faces and noises, etc. Maybe I would have cherished these events anyway, but now I do no questions asked.

Talmage made a miraculous and speedy recovery. Within a week he came home to us, and within a month he looked like a normal (but rather attentive) newborn at his first photo shoot. He had a difficult time dealing with the pain he experienced at birth, and the doctors said he had "Post-tramautic stress disorder" which made him SCREAM for the first 5 + months straight, and has made him a rather touchy (AKA grumpy) baby. Other than that, there doesn't seem to be any long term damage.

It took me a long time to mourn the delivery and experience I yearned for and didn't receive. I think it's that way for everything in our life that doesn't go quite as we expected, we need time to ponder, reflect and mourn. I have had times during the past year that I have mourned for myself--the battle wounds that are unfortunately still not healed, the knowledge that the next delivery will be a C-Section, the realization that even 100 years ago I wouldn't have lived. I've mourned for my husband--for the traumatic experience he had to endure and that his dream of 12 tribes is definitely out the window (ha!). And I've mourned for that little munchkin of ours. What an awful way to enter mortality. I can only imagine that he had no idea what he was getting himself into by coming down to earth! That poor, sweet, innocent baby boy. Watching your child suffer is the worst possible thing a parent can experience.

One year later Talmage is a happy, healthy, CRAZY little boy who we LOVE and couldn't imagine life without. We are so grateful that Heavenly Father blessed us with him, and allowed us to keep him! And although his grand entrance into mortality was not what we would have chosen, we see the wisdom in Heavenly Father's plan and we have learned so much.

One year ago today Talmage was still in the pool...one year ago tomorrow...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR BOY!

***The picture above was taken by Rob and Christa this morning. I can't wait to share the rest of his one-year-old pics tomorrow. They are beyond fabulous!