Hangin' On for Dear Life

I've spent weeks willing the clock to slow down, not so that time wouldn't age my babies like I've heard other Mamas say (because that's way too cliche a thought for me right now...plus aging out of temper tantrum two-year-olds and up-all-night babies doesn't seem like the worst thing) but because I've desperately wanted a date with my blog. Oh, how I love, love, love this blog, and wish I had the time it deserves. As I type this post my boys are sitting on the couch next to me reading through past blog books and thanking me for recording all of their childhood memories--how's that for motivation to keep things up! But really it's more than that, I feel happier, more fulfilled and less anxious when the blog is up-to-date and my feelings aren't stewing on my insides. And boy do they stew.

Lately, though, blogging is on the back burner because I feel lucky to just make it through the day. By the time I get the kids in bed, clean the dishes and dinner mess and pick-up the house in preparation for the next day it's pushing 10 or 10:30 and I literally fall into bed with exhaustion. In my wildest dreams I could never have imagined how tired I'd be as a mother of four young children. Throw some sickness, some company, some sports, some church and some crazier than even our normal crazy work schedule into the mix and bam! you've got one hot mess of a tired Mama who like Quinn in this picture, is just trying to hold on for dear life, sometimes even with a smile on her face (but let's be honest, other times with an ever-deepening frown line).

Sometimes I wonder if I even know who I am anymore. There are things about myself that I've always loved and I'm finding that I have to squint really hard and cock my head way to the left to see them in the current version of me. The scriptures say that you have to lose your life for Him in order to find it, and that passage has been sitting in my soul for days now. I'm in a busy mothering stage and a busy service stage and perhaps just a busy life stage altogether and I have had so many moments which have reminded me that I'm doing the right thing and that He is so proud of me; but I'm definitely losing myself. I know God's ways and I have confidence that He will sculpt me into someone amazing, but here's hoping that when I find my life and myself again someday it looks a little like the me I've always known and loved. Turns out I miss her.